I am fooled by who I love so deeply

Having spending more than twenty years in China, I never had a feeling of something wrong. Everytime I red overseas media criticising on the Chinese Governmenr, I held a view that how can you know better than our Chinese? And ironically I did look them down for their cross-line behaviour. 

But that time never comes back.

It seems that they make sense. China tends to hide too much things which is very concerned about our people, such as the unfairness everywhere. I don't mean that these have been perfectly solved in so-called more developing countries; what I want to emphasise is we lack the transparent much much more than any other countries.

I thought, when I was in China, India is a poor country short of food and houses, let alone the democracy in any field. I held this bias when I met some Indian classmates. To my surprise, they told me that the media in India is market controll! How come? Suddenly I realise I was fooled. I thought I knew the world without any bias because my country is a wonderland where we support fairness, justice etc.

Sign.

The reason that I feel bad is because I love my country. Now it comes to a doubt. When I talk about love, isn't it too pantisan? Comparing with the students from many other countries, I suddenly realise that banning websites in China is the most terrible thing in the world! Facebook, BBC Chinese, twitter are not, what they claimed, the platforms full of reactionary. In addition, Chinese development is far from satisfaction. GDP is the misleading criteria to judge the economy. Chinese people are, what a shame, ingnorant to the truth. The fact is we are fooled.

There are too many books can not pass through China's strict censorship, thus no chance for me to know the truth.  Too many journalists, intelligents or honest people are unfairly treated or even sent into prison, but the fact is buried. The elder generation becomes conservative; the new generation is led by commercials and superficial knowing. One day we will be fooled just because we are too short-sight to foresee the damage in our nation.One day we change into sheeps but other peoples wolf. How to survive? Should we take their invation as a way to show out board tolerance just as what we Chinese people are doing right now? We keep silience during our life even when we know clearly that it should not be that way! And we keep teaching our next generation to follow our steps. That so-called ways of surviving is definitely a perfect excuse!

I don't want to challenge the leader right now because that makes no sense. Even I have red more than the majority and I keep an eye on the quite a lot of range of things, still, I lack the facts. I need a foreigner to describe Chinese issues for me. I hate selected news at home,  on the other hand, I won't take all from foreigners. I just want the fact you know and I will form my own opinion on the basis of my knowledge- not like 1984.

Not regret living that long in China, I hate regret. To admit I am fooled is the last thing I want but it happened.

Luckily, I realised finally. I wish this is the last time I admit.