Become English (5) follow the denial rule in public

I find that when English step outside the security and privacy of their homes, then began to obey a rule called “denial”: try to avoid acknowledging that a scary crowd of strangers and maintain as much as privacy as possible by pretending that the crowd do not exist and much of the time pretending themselves not exist either. To follow the denial rule requires me to avoid talking to strangers or even making eye contact with them or indeed acknowledging their presence in any way unless absolutely necessary.

At the same time the rule imposes an obligation to avoid drawing attention to oneself and to mind one’s own business.

In fact I would go so far as to say that Englishness is rather more a matter of choice for the ethnic minorities in this country than it is for the rest of English people.
I have the advantage of being able to pick and choose more freely often adopting the more desirable English quirks and habits while carefully steering clearly of the ludicrous ones.

Become English (4) Follow the self-deprecation rule

Initially I don't understand why English people could stand others to point fingers at their prime minister. But later on I sense the deep pride of English that they don't really care because they just follow a rule called self-deprecation.

Not that the English are somehow naturally more modest and self-effacing than other nations but that they have strict rules about the appearance of modest. So I create a scene and show you how to become English.

Suppose that I am a brain surgeon. When I meet a new friend, normally after weather chat I will be asked what had led me to choose this profession. ‘well um, I read PPE, philosophy, politics and economics at Oxford –let me pretend- but I found it all rather beyond me, so, er, I thought I’d better do something a bit less difficult.’ you laughed, but then, as I must have expected, protested that surely brain surgery could not really be described as an easy option. This gave me a further opportunity as for self-deprecation. ‘oh no, it’s nowhere near as clever as its cracked up to be; to be honest it’s actually a bit hit-or-miss. Its just plumbing, really plumbing with, with a microscope-excpet plumbing’s rather more accurate.”

I was simply playing by the rules, dealing with the embarrassment of success and prestige by making a self-denigrating joke out of it all, as is English custom. And this is the point, an approach to becoming English, I see English people do this automatically all the time and so do I.

Become English (3) muddle what you really mean

I find it frustrated when I talk with my colleagues and clients a while to realise that when the English say “oh really how interesting!” does not necessarily mean interesting. Sometimes their facial expression obviously shows that they might well mean ‘I don’t believe a word of it, you lying toad.’ Or they might not. They might just mean ‘I’m bored and not really listening but trying to be polite’. Or they might be genuinely surprised and truly interested. You will never know. There is no way of telling: even the English themselves who have a pretty good sixth sense for detecting irony, cannot always be entirely sure. And this is the problem with then English irony-habit.

Then I know that English have a pretty good sixth sense for detecting irony, but please teach me since I have problems with the English irony habit on my way of becoming English. Sometimes English do say what they mean but the constant use of irony is a bit like crying wolf, when I do mean what I say, my audience seem not very surprised as they should be.

Become English (2) My experience in taking buses

Once I took the bus to my friend's place. When the bus came into a full stop, some passengers reluctantly move their bottom away from the chairs and walk peacefully towards the door. I doubt the comfort degree of the bus chair is far less than sofa at home but it seems that they took every second to lengthen their journey time. I used to live in a country where without fully preparation by moving yourself as close as possible to the door as early as possible, you will be able to miss the last chance to get off the bus and the next stop could be an extra travel by walking all the way back.

But I don’t understand why the bus driver ignore me when once I forget to wave to show that I really want to take that bus. I was obsessed with reading newspaper. Am I not 'big' enough to be spotted out? In a city where I grew up, the bus has to stop every stop so no chance to miss getting on board- unless so many want to get on and there is no space left for you. If it happen, some people may step their foot on the bus so they cease the bus from leaving. The passengers on the bus have to accompany him to wait for the next bus coming.

Anecdote: my friend who just came to London last week. We agreed to meet at the overground station but he was late. It is not because he got up late or any usual traffic jam but just because he did not know that one has to press the open button to open the door. When he realised this the train slowly moved away from the platform.

As an English you will NEVER have a chance to miss your opportunity to get off the train like this because it has become your natural habit, unconsciously written in your blood, that to press the button in order to open the door of the train.

Lucky we foreigners!

Become English (1) My experience in supermarket

I went to the supermarket one day and see all English stand quite and patient to wait for someone bottomed up his purse to get the change at the only open cashier. The English may complain by looking at their watch or tap their foot quietly- I doubt nobody see except me. But they never never speak out like “hurry up man!” or make other noticeable noise.

To become English I may not raise my eye brow next time when I am standing at the end of the queue after five trailers while the casher and a retired lady are talking about the weather.

Should behave like an English.